Another day, another batch of “nothings” to fret on

I don’t get this, why things are becoming as they are.
I don’t understand it, where my melancholy is from; I lack nothing so why am I gloomy?
I don’t know why I’m changing in everyone’s eyes;
For me, I see the same jaded personality staring back at me with a face that smiles less. I feel less of a need to make greedy good friends feel good and safe about themselves while I stew in my melancholic metaphors.
Some days I feel I’d be better off a heartless wretch, but I deal with living as a Davey Jones caricature, only my heart is locked in an ice cold chest that’s still lodged in my chest. I don’t have a key for that.
Maybe, just maybe, if I could make the same kinda funnies and one liners Marvel comes with I’d have better reviews and more friends hanging on every pun and maybe have an occasional fling or two to boot. That’s just a maybe.

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Deep Musing; Loser’s reasoning

The most amusing title I could think of today.
Anyway, while everyone embraces the essence of Easter, most people busily worshipping and praising in the name of the sacrifice that saved our souls while another group willfully discard their fears and religious trappings in order to “YOLO” ( I truly loath this word) the holiday away till death drags their fear and casts it and them back onto the right path, I only feel lost in an infinite void I can’t explain.
This year has been a strange and increasingly depressing one for me. All I wanted, my resolution, was to finally find myself, to find my calling and my niche. After living in a flux for so long I thought it would do me some good to find meaning and feel whole you know. (I’m growing old, just zombie-ING around will lead me nowhere.)
I’ve found all that, or some form of it thankfully, but not in the way I’ve wanted.
Now, I’ve read blogs and stories of finding peace and the solace that comes from suddenly hearing a voice of benevolence affirming that everything will be alright.
Some of you here, God bless you, have found faith and the understanding that comes along with it. Most of you have embraced and heralded the shinning light of our religion and that’s a good thing.
For me, all I’ve felt is this sense of emptiness that’s crushing and soul wrenching to the core and it’s scary as fuck. Don’t you go confusing my train of thought Reader, ( yeah, I feel kinda benevolent, addressing you) I’m not atheist, I’m certainly not agnostic and I’m not saying I’ve lost sight of my faith. ( -sigh- I can’t tell if I truly believe this last bit) I’ve only developed loser’s reasoning.
I’m not a saint, I’m christened with sin, deeply bound by and will continue to indulge in it, but I’ve seen the light.
While everyone seems overjoyed by the meaning of this holiday, allowing the church to lead it toward the right path and allowing euphoria to take hold and shake what God gave them, I’ve embraced God’s loneliness on my lonesome.
A part of me has grown weary and is sick to death, of listening to the preachings and warnings that ask that we embrace fear masked as belief and faith. That part of me, already detached by the ways of introversion, has accepted that till now I’ve failed myself and God for not seeing that we both, father and son, protect different things. It’s decided to stop leading this waltz that’s made me dizzy, to stop fighting and let the sword of truth pierce my heart (guess what, it didn’t hurt), to realise why I’m still standing despite my insolence and the fact that God can just wipe me off the face of existence.
It’s so I can finally embrace this loneliness, this feeling that comes with being absolute.
It’s the only thing I can do.

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My Love and Kindness

I don’t need or want it cuz,

empathy left this body in too much,

madness and that pent up
Isolation made this lump,

whole and pleasing so please don’t introduce your kindness and cravings for affection when,

my heart has grown cold slits where warm beats used to be.

All you’ll ever seem, to Be, to ME is lust till,

you’re a shrieking thumping in my brain that finds no way to,

my love and kindness.

The man in white took my will away

My will was stopped from being brave,
right in his prime,
by a soft spoken dirge.
While I left thinking none of it,
he got charmed,
just walked on right to it.
The man in white was waiting,
where my will was bound to face him.
The man sent his spirit to lead my days,
while my will was taken Samael’s way.
Blocking my view I sensed no change,
while the friend in my stay was switched to faith.
And the end was there in waiting;
Where my will could lead me no longer.
The man in white took my will away.

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Mind’s lonely flux

image

I only came up with the fancy title as a formality but truly I believe our minds know true limbo.
It’s sad how lonesome our minds is, boxed in a brain housed by a skull prison, a slave subjected to mediocrity and knowledge poverty.
Its personally taken twenty one years for me to notice that I have not been fair to myself and my mind. Like an ignored pet, only barely have I fed it with knowledge, only rarely do I excite it, and only during tiresome mundane examinations have I bothered to use it.
Then again that’s just  how we were raised to use it, how we’ve all accepted our minds will serve their time in confinement, our consciousness is limited to a small space within our big, wicked yet curious world.
Its even more pathetic how the rest of the world, how we, feed our brains with bran and assume that our less than physical minds in there are satisfied just like that.
In a lifetime we barely read a few books (I use that word “few” with much reservation), learn to earn a career for varying income ( our priorities and economy vary) then YOLO the rest of our miserable existence away.
Sometimes I wonder if really, our minds could be independent, I wonder if all the greatest minds which ever came to be and made the greatest ever achievements, saw this era of nothing on the horizon. It really isn’t fair to us and to them how all the knowledge that they toiled for goes unread until it’s time to test our half descent short term memory.
Then again, whether you believe in philosophy, psychology or natural knowledge of any kind and feel even slightly unsatisfied with how you’ve lived your life and treated knowledge, you’d agree that this all just sucks, and that’s barely condesending. How we live in blissful ignorance, unaware of so many things, so many possibilities we ignore, the truths, mistakes and lies that easily pass unnoticed. The number of times we even miss a punctuation can infer the wrong meaning and only a lonely diligent mind can notice, if only we let it.
The number of times we are never observant and never are to begin is staggering, and the number of Stephen King books we’ve left unread is disgraceful.
I’ve looked back on two decades wasted doing nothing and truly it sickens me ( Hi, I’m anti social, don’t mind me) to see a collateral of millions of equally wasted decades living in physical form around me. I digress, I don’t mean to unload my grievances, its just that as a writer I’ve realised I can’t go as far as I should because my mind is empty.
I was only 10% curious by my own own estimate back in the day, and to that my consciousness feels proud when my imagination runs wild, but it’s still not enough.
Many of us live among people who don’t know what curiosity is, whose minds are nothing but scrawny slabs of meat that even Hannibal Lecture wouldn’t feed them, simply because they refuse to let their brains free.
I mean, broaden your horizons must be too  ambiguous for some,  a lot of minds out there never lived a childhood filled with literary glory, Nancy Drew, Harry Potter and Hardy Boys was rejected to follow the mantra of – “I want to grow up, get a job, get married, have kids and die” and even now a Stephen King novel would be too large a book with “no test answers” to lift of a shelf.
The trills of the sciences, mathematics and language are avoided because they’re either too hard or not necessary for the job we might want, unless maybe you’re majoring in one of them,( personally, I regret running away from maths and science, I was weak with them but I know I’ve missed out on brain food. ) to that some will DEFINITELY wish the torture would end.
So then, that’s just

our mind’s

world, be spiritual, belong to a society, attain some class and comfort and be happy, while the it rots in a sick poetic analogy.

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Savage Civilization

The world was evil and lonely in its core,
so man saw a need for
a call of sorts.
Stakes that stick out are hammered down to conform,
genius and weirdness should bend or fall.
Our resistance is sickness and a cause for concern,
so when lines are drawn our mind must be stern.
To the shadows and phantoms who fail to light up,
the bench is warm and your fence should be obscure,
and sixth man is your best till your value is implored.
But with your darkness comes might in resolve.
They only
leave because bright lights lead the way,
doesn’t mean you’re useless or need to give chase.
You’re a place in your own space,
so leave not a trace,
for disgrace.

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