Deep Musing; Loser’s reasoning

The most amusing title I could think of today.
Anyway, while everyone embraces the essence of Easter, most people busily worshipping and praising in the name of the sacrifice that saved our souls while another group willfully discard their fears and religious trappings in order to “YOLO” ( I truly loath this word) the holiday away till death drags their fear and casts it and them back onto the right path, I only feel lost in an infinite void I can’t explain.
This year has been a strange and increasingly depressing one for me. All I wanted, my resolution, was to finally find myself, to find my calling and my niche. After living in a flux for so long I thought it would do me some good to find meaning and feel whole you know. (I’m growing old, just zombie-ING around will lead me nowhere.)
I’ve found all that, or some form of it thankfully, but not in the way I’ve wanted.
Now, I’ve read blogs and stories of finding peace and the solace that comes from suddenly hearing a voice of benevolence affirming that everything will be alright.
Some of you here, God bless you, have found faith and the understanding that comes along with it. Most of you have embraced and heralded the shinning light of our religion and that’s a good thing.
For me, all I’ve felt is this sense of emptiness that’s crushing and soul wrenching to the core and it’s scary as fuck. Don’t you go confusing my train of thought Reader, ( yeah, I feel kinda benevolent, addressing you) I’m not atheist, I’m certainly not agnostic and I’m not saying I’ve lost sight of my faith. ( -sigh- I can’t tell if I truly believe this last bit) I’ve only developed loser’s reasoning.
I’m not a saint, I’m christened with sin, deeply bound by and will continue to indulge in it, but I’ve seen the light.
While everyone seems overjoyed by the meaning of this holiday, allowing the church to lead it toward the right path and allowing euphoria to take hold and shake what God gave them, I’ve embraced God’s loneliness on my lonesome.
A part of me has grown weary and is sick to death, of listening to the preachings and warnings that ask that we embrace fear masked as belief and faith. That part of me, already detached by the ways of introversion, has accepted that till now I’ve failed myself and God for not seeing that we both, father and son, protect different things. It’s decided to stop leading this waltz that’s made me dizzy, to stop fighting and let the sword of truth pierce my heart (guess what, it didn’t hurt), to realise why I’m still standing despite my insolence and the fact that God can just wipe me off the face of existence.
It’s so I can finally embrace this loneliness, this feeling that comes with being absolute.
It’s the only thing I can do.

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I am me. I am Me. I write when I want to be free.

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