The fear of a predecessor


As a writer I’ve tried my best to ignore the adage “there is nothing new under the sun.”  I’ve hated the idea that I could never create my own original thought or put down my very own expressions and emotions. The very idea that I needed a mentor, a guru to guide me could put me over the edge. Why? Its was like being told I was incompetent at my own passion and the way forward would be to understudy and redo the work of a predecessor in “my own style”. I might be the only one but it got to me in a way not even my worst enemy, of which I have none yet, would manage to. It ate me up. I was stubborn and I wouldn’t budge.

Poetry has been my niche for a couple of years now and I’ve always had those moments when I felt “this is my next masterpiece”, days I felt that this thing I was writing was nouveau and I honestly believed that until I was done and I moved on to another piece with the same feeling and enthusiasm. I tried hard not to base my work on anything I had seen from other writers because being told; ” you write like him” never pleased me. I can be fickle and I always move on from my previous poems but I would never understudy anyone, the very notion Displeased me, it really did. Then came the moment I dreaded, i had to read other poets and study what they wrote and guess what, I am very displeased.

 First off, the adage was not what i thought it wasand I should explain what I think of it now. Its philosophical, its basically saying that everything that looks new to you is not, simply because it existed in the realm outside the physical. What it means is that my using it here, in our world, is just a representation of how it was in that other realm. That other realm, what realm is it? Call it heaven or your imagination. The latter is usually a better description. My first assumption of that adage meant that till recently I’d never liked any poet I had read in school, their archaic languages were turn offs and at the time I could not understand their context; Wordsworth was the worst because I was not fond of nature, why should I copy this?  So I went on, writing my broken thoughts, calling them poetry and feeling good about myself. The half praises were good for a while, the fact that I could construct thought was a feat on its own and that really blinded me. Then I read Byron, I chanced on Keats and goodness, I have to read John Donne. Am I displeased? YES!

With Donne especially I saw, not his words, not his structures, not even his metaphors, I saw his mind. I looked into his mind. I was reading thoughts that weren’t broken. I had in my hands the text of a mind stuffed with so much knowledge and trivia I had the notion that this would be the coolest encyclopedia to carry around. And best of all, I was looking at the greatest blend of ideas, an assonance of thought that  I could never manage. It was beautiful, it was perfect, and sadly I was not there. I can’t even describe Akira perfectly to annoying and I’ve seen it So Many Times. So my fear of my predecessor is alive in my chest and its swelling.

The flip side of it is has to be that I’ve seen better and I know my new is hidden in my imagination until I bring it up. I know it wont be nouveau when I bring it out only because its a patent is from an imagination everyone shares and helps them to relate(philosophy does this to you) to what I repeat here. And Trust me, I don’t have a mentor and I’m not gonna be the next dude drilling self help mantras into your soul. I’ve only recognized that I have so many thoughts I’ve not held down, so much that my words are in dissonance with. And I know sooner or later I will here those annoying words “you write…..”  I’ve not understudied Donne. I’ve seen him, I love his work and I’ve related to it and that’s about what we have to do if we want to create. We see then we step up.

Perspectives = Answers…

Why must man live by plagiarize perspectives?
That’s not a question one would readily agree to come across these days yet in my case it’s a question I want readymade opinions to, I really want a walkthrough that’ll guide my response to it. I honestly don’t want AN ANSWER but I ask because I have no objective response since my current opinion is ever so slightly biased…at the moment.
It’s actually amusing how Theist faith – Religion comes to mind every time I think about this yet it’s the one argument we’re now all very familiar with, funny huh?
So, take Christianity for instance – as a child my mom thought me that the laws and maxims behind our religion were sacred and absolute for everyone. It is a thing of honour to know it by heart and to be the smart kid I had to know that as a fact. – Now keep in mind that there aren’t that many atheists on this side of the world as compared to theists (There are none in fact. No one wants to be shunned)-.
The Christian faith was and has always been absolute and its history, the one we read in the bible, is completely ironclad with no loopholes and that’s how it was and that’s what I learnt. Sadly those days are over for me though, my mom didn’t fail in her in her role and I’m still a believer in God but that belief has become rather shaky. I have so many questions and doubts playing an intense tug of war in my mind – cognitive dissonance I think it’s called but that’s not really important. I’ve come across a large number of books examining the genealogy of morals and religions, some radical, some passionate and others downright ascetic and demoralizing and now I find myself in an unenviable situation; I’m under the assumption that I am the only one I know who has tried to apply a crazy assertion into my life and I’m now forced to be the flimsy philosopher I once wrote about and question all the foundations of knowledge currently plaguing my mind. Religion, Politics, Education, Passion, Choice and Rationality; all of these forms of knowledge have truths that are forcefully imbibed with a general standard that makes them be in line in a way everybody wants.
For instance, I’m not a Trump-Guy but calling him insane seems kinda… insane if you think about it. Why the heck is he insane? For obvious reasons his perspectives are radical and ABNORMALLY deviate from the normal standard of normal people. He’s too many words I certainly cannot insert in here because I don’t want to start something here. Now I’m not arguing for or against the man, he does drive a standard that makes me want to take a toolkit to his mind at times, yes, but that’s part of the point. There is a standard that everyone decides to follow wholeheartedly and a deviation can make you a TrumpMan.(Using him is fun fad now, ignore me.)
I don’t doubt that there are right or wrong answers, the laws of geometry prove that there are valid grounds for right and wrong in this world. I am only slightly concerned as to how history can be overly distorted to fit within the well drawn margins that geometry made up specifically for mathematical reasoning. I have issues as to how perspectives are taken as true in totality, without facts or proof, just some authoritative backing for eternity… or until that thing accepted as perfect and whole comes out as false; like an opinion you agree with being just an opinion you agree with, maybe a piece by your favourite poet being plagiarized from lost translations or a candidate’s slogan being a mantra ‘taken’ from Google quotes and passed it off as his own. I take issue with how no one actually questions any of these things or realizes that they can change with time but just pass them on by word of mouth until they are either a fad or a fact. Now none of this is abnormal and you might ask why I should even bother with this when in life things come and go and our opinions have the right to exist even if they are at time fallacious, subjective, Trump-ish(for the last time before Monday) or any other word I could think of; why write and post this darned rant, son?
My reason is a simple conclusion that frightens the heck out of me, a realization that irks me and puts a strain on my already conflicted mind. The reason I even asked a question I might not get an answer to or even a comment for any time soon is the reason I realized that perspectives in general can be defended as true : NO ONE. ACTUALLY. READS. ANYMORE!!

WordPress has changed me.

The few months I’ve spent blogging has changed the way I approach my writing. Not so long ago my plan was simply to post my work; to post my lonesome legacy and not care if they’re read. I wanted to go it alone in this cruel world of writing and poetry because I could never figure out what it was I left out from my own pieces.  I felt my voice and my words never got recognition because my writing was not good enough and being the perfectionist I am I hid my self assumed failure like the others before it. It took two months to realize what the true problem was, two months of skanty views and rare likes to realize that I was my problem. I didn’t ever set goals, still dont(can’t actually), nor had I acknowledged writing as my dream. I just sort of went along with it, trying hard to please with it, trying to get attention through the talent I’d never once accepted or wanted to perfect and when I couldn’t I went into denial. This blog was supposed to be one of my many diaries (there are too many), where I could rant and write and hide but in two months I saw the light. On 23rd December 2015 my plan(my first ever -somehow- goal) was sketchy but simple; to make 50 posts before my 21st birthday. Now I’m about to let rip post 50 & 51 five days to my target day. Now I could have done more, I will do more, but I’m proud of the little I’ve done. I’m proud I didnt lose interest and turn my back on this like I’ve always done with all endeavors. I’m proud of myself for this minor achievement that is my biggest one yet at a time I really need to step up. I thank wordpress and the bloggers who took the time to view this blog for helping me do this. Saint West, blossom666, all the bloggers who take the time to scroll through, this feels corny but thank you. Thank You VERY MUCH FOR THIS.

A punch in the face then a pat on the back before I start up…

With barely twenty days left till my twenty first, till I’m completely legal and have no cause to hide, I feel this awful nostalgic atmosphere around me. Twenty years of neither chasing dreams nor out doing and challenging myself. Twenty years of which I’ve dealt with an inferiority complex that’s firmly rooted in its foundation by my God complex (messed up mind). In twenty days I’ll be twenty one and I’ve got this sudden urge to fill in the gaps that my philistine nature has left for me. The cultures, the knowledge, the things I’d put on my imaginary list of things to do, I feel a twinge of annoyance and regret for not diving into all these things earlier in my life. It’s disgraceful how I’ve allowed Math to show me the stars in a not so adventurous way. I’m disappointed that I never packed a backpack to wing it like Bear Grylls ( I don’t even know the shortcuts in my own hood). Heck I’m even more pissed that I let myself be average because I assumed I was smarter than the average person (the average Ghanaian person) and that it somehow sufficed. Now I have this forceful urge to enlighten my mind and to say fuck it to that old meaningless desire I had to find my rock (not God, just a human who would agree with my self wallowing musings) I have this urge to understand myself, to punish and correct myself, to take the reigns and lead my loaded carriage from the shitstorm that auto pilot led me to. I have this urge to  take this blog seriously, and to stop stuffing my life’s to do list  then ignoring them of my own volition. I started 2016 a tad more self aware than usual and almost halfway through, after intensely critiquing my importance and self worth like never before I’ve decided 21 is not a bad year to actually start living my life. A bit late but at least it will do.

I’ll let my envy and hate for those who Lord themselves over me for being better be the Will of D in my struggle for My Piece (Peace wouldn’t be in the spirit of One Piece on paper) .

Deep Musing; Loser’s reasoning

The most amusing title I could think of today.
Anyway, while everyone embraces the essence of Easter, most people busily worshipping and praising in the name of the sacrifice that saved our souls while another group willfully discard their fears and religious trappings in order to “YOLO” ( I truly loath this word) the holiday away till death drags their fear and casts it and them back onto the right path, I only feel lost in an infinite void I can’t explain.
This year has been a strange and increasingly depressing one for me. All I wanted, my resolution, was to finally find myself, to find my calling and my niche. After living in a flux for so long I thought it would do me some good to find meaning and feel whole you know. (I’m growing old, just zombie-ING around will lead me nowhere.)
I’ve found all that, or some form of it thankfully, but not in the way I’ve wanted.
Now, I’ve read blogs and stories of finding peace and the solace that comes from suddenly hearing a voice of benevolence affirming that everything will be alright.
Some of you here, God bless you, have found faith and the understanding that comes along with it. Most of you have embraced and heralded the shinning light of our religion and that’s a good thing.
For me, all I’ve felt is this sense of emptiness that’s crushing and soul wrenching to the core and it’s scary as fuck. Don’t you go confusing my train of thought Reader, ( yeah, I feel kinda benevolent, addressing you) I’m not atheist, I’m certainly not agnostic and I’m not saying I’ve lost sight of my faith. ( -sigh- I can’t tell if I truly believe this last bit) I’ve only developed loser’s reasoning.
I’m not a saint, I’m christened with sin, deeply bound by and will continue to indulge in it, but I’ve seen the light.
While everyone seems overjoyed by the meaning of this holiday, allowing the church to lead it toward the right path and allowing euphoria to take hold and shake what God gave them, I’ve embraced God’s loneliness on my lonesome.
A part of me has grown weary and is sick to death, of listening to the preachings and warnings that ask that we embrace fear masked as belief and faith. That part of me, already detached by the ways of introversion, has accepted that till now I’ve failed myself and God for not seeing that we both, father and son, protect different things. It’s decided to stop leading this waltz that’s made me dizzy, to stop fighting and let the sword of truth pierce my heart (guess what, it didn’t hurt), to realise why I’m still standing despite my insolence and the fact that God can just wipe me off the face of existence.
It’s so I can finally embrace this loneliness, this feeling that comes with being absolute.
It’s the only thing I can do.

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