So far I’ve had a lively 2016. Four days in and I’ve already had my fair share of outbursts, excitement and failures. I don’t want to go into it all, some things should just be swept under the rug.
Anyway four days in, and already there are a lot of things I have to do. I never made any resolutions for the new year, it would be a complete waste because for someone with my interests its amazing how much info I can forget in a short amount of time. All I remember is that on that last day of 2015, during the evening service that was to usher in the new year I felt I had let myself down immensely. I’ve always fancied myself as a lazy critic perfectionist of sorts, and I have genuinely accepted this not so good fact about myself. Still as I stood there, repeating the Godly resolution on the big screen at the stadium that night I realized I was just dragging myself like the rest of the people around me. I remember waking up the next morning feeling this sense of emptiness surrounding me. That prayer must have hit a nerve because I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I had achieved very little in my life apart from being in university. I am a writer and a poet in my mind but I haven’t written that one perfect poem. Reading other good poetry and seeing works that I felt were way better than mine was doing little to make me feel good about myself and I felt genuinely angry. I had a reason to hate myself. Then after, having to realize that I now have little value to those who have great expectations of me because of the way I’m going made me feel shitty.
It slowly dawned on me, I haven’t fashioned myself into the perfect gentleman, the perfect student, the perfect son, the perfect boyfriend. I hadn’t completed a lot of goals, hell I didn’t even goals and expectations nor had I ever thought about a lot of things I do deeply to rationalize them. I’d gotten used to my life always being so rosy and things being done for me I had never taken it upon myself to be strong. So for the past four days I felt the backlash of my actions and thoughts in various ways.
Now whether good or bad, I’ve made it this far these past four days. And I will categorically state for all those close to me that I AM NOT not going to create some corny list, chalked full of expectations I know I will forget. I have just one goal for this year. Its not to have another 2015. It was awful for me. It has scarred me for life, the wisdom and knowledge I always prayed for throughout that year plastered painfully all over my aching body. I just don’t want to have a repeat of a failure of a year like that one or the previous years which were just as horrible and worth forgetting. The good times aside, they did not complement me in any way. I did not do anything with them and at twenty I don’t think I have the time to wait another ten year for proper facial hair and change. I will have a better year, the best year. I’m not saying am going to be cracking my skull and hitting the books or something like that off the bat, I credit the Nigerians I school with for giving me that first taste of envy that made me want to go that way. No. This year will be better, will push me towards much more. I’m not going to feign contempt and blame God, nor am I going to whine too much, only just enough maybe. I’m not gonna stop watching Sherlock or my favorite anime, nor am I going to start trekking to my nearest library just because I think I need better grades, it would be an insult to the library and myself to carry my notes and pdf folders there and read when there are a whole bunch of equally interesting and useless books I can indulge myself in and be a better human being. 2016 just has to be better, it has to be, for the critic, the loner and the perfectionist in me. I’m going to have it that way, period.
Starting with this blog.
Thank You Hornsby.
Devious Words 